How to be friends with people who impress you
A guide for the lemur-adjacent
One of the most popular and recurring topics on AskReddit is celebrity. More specifically, celebrities behind the scenes. Positive or negative, we’re dying to know what our idols are really like: are they rude to waiting staff? Did they write a beautiful letter to your dying relative? How much do they tip? We want our favourite characters to be good, and people whose work we find annoying to be bad. We want proof that we’ve judged correctly; that our taste is discerning and correct. This is why you can really upset people by drawing attention to how much money J.K. Rowling has given away, or that Mariah Carey is allegedly rude to restaurant workers.
And when we discover that our favourite actor is kind of a dick, or that someone whose books we find trite and uninspired goes out of their way to hold open doors, we’re unsatisfied. It creates cognitive dissonance.
The same goes for influencers, e-celebs, and internet friends. If someone is different in person from your expectation – from the media they’ve been in, the things they’ve posted online, the impression you had from others – it’s natural to feel a bit put out. You had hopes, and they’ve been frustrated. You might even be angry or resentful: the person you thought you knew has behaved out of character, and in doing so has violated your trust.
Of course, the tricky thing here is that you didn’t know them. What you knew was the image they presented to the world. And the thing about people with big followings is that they’re usually those whose self-presentation has been refined into an art.
All performances, whether on the stage or on social media, contain a degree of artifice. Remembering this is unpleasant, because it sounds a death knell for parasocial relationships. But if you’re interested in human connection, that’s a good thing.
When you ask a celebrity for a selfie or an autograph, you tell them explicitly that what you value most about them isn’t their personality – not their real one, anyway – it’s their image. You’re more interested in your own ability to show off to others (“Look, I met Taylor Swift!”) than in treating the celebrity like a human. You use their popular image to enhance your own. There is no honesty in the interaction.
Professional celebrities are often good-natured about this, because they expect it and know that in order to maintain a dedicated fanbase, they have to perform offstage too. But don’t mistake that extended performance for authenticity.
If the person you’re impressed by isn’t actually paid to be famous, they’re likely to be less interested in play-acting as your favourite character during their downtime. They might even be taken aback by your expectation that they do so. This isn’t meant as a slight towards you – in fact it’s the opposite.
When we feel safe around others, we drop our pretences. This is why we tend to snap more at our families than at acquaintances, and why formal events are attended by formal manners. We’re at our most human, and our most vulnerable, when we’re relaxed. If someone you admire seems tired, a bit abrupt, or out of character, don’t be upset. They are paying you the compliment of treating you as an equal, instead of a fan.
When someone sees you as a peer they’re not asking for reverence. As many people who’ve been pursued romantically can tell you, reverence is actually quite off-putting. We all know our own failings, and if someone else cannot or will not acknowledge them, we’re inclined to question their judgment. We lose respect for those who put us on pedestals, in part because their behaviour implies that they don’t have much respect for themselves. The only way to convince someone that they’re better than you is by acting like that’s true.
What’s desired by the vast majority of people, particularly those who are often pedestal-bound, is normal, friendly, human interaction. This kind of interaction is necessarily mutual – which can be an intimidating prospect if you’re uncomfortable around strangers, or used to taking a passive role in social life. But the risk is worth the reward. There are also plenty of shortcuts to social success.
One I’ve suggested previously is to create a list of conversation-starters in advance. These can be topics for discussion, fun hypothetical questions, or just standard small-talk questions that will propel discourse onwards. Think of asking them as akin to providing a social service to those around you, because you’re putting others at ease (even if you yourself don’t yet feel comfortable) by creating a space for conversation.
Another good suggestion* is to take stuff (such as food) to hand out to people. You now have something to offer, an item to keep your hands busy so you don’t feel awkward, and a tailor-made excuse to enter and leave conversations. Smoking works similarly.
A useful thing to remember is that nobody’s ever thinking about you as much as you are. In fact, most people spend most of the time thinking about how other people perceive them. Those you admire are no different. They might even feel particularly self-conscious, because chances are they attract a disproportionate share of attention. Treating them as a normal person instead of a tourist attraction is not just the polite thing to do, it’s also likely to be a welcome break for them.
This is a guide for acting in a healthy, pro-social way around people who intimidate you. But just as important as being able to interact normally with others is the fact that if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you should always make sure you have an opt-out. That can be leaving a party, going for a walk, or just taking a five-minute break in the bathroom to process stuff and not talk to anyone. You’re not failing because you need a rest from socialising. You’re just recharging.
Over time and with practice, you might find that your batteries last longer. Equally, if you’ve got a lot going on in your life, your energy is more likely to run low. If midnight comes and you feel yourself turning into a lemur, there is nothing wrong with disappearing – or simply letting others know that you’re socially worn out and going to be quiet for a bit. The onus is then on your companions to be normal about this.
Check your expectations, arm yourself in advance, and don’t be afraid to take breaks. You’ll be sparkling.
*Someone suggested this on Twitter, but I can’t remember who it was – link me and I’ll credit them.